


I Remember

by Anson



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Phanfiction, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-27 00:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5027398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anson/pseuds/Anson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is sick, Dan goes to buy him flowers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Remember

One time, I fell in love with a boy. His name was Dan. His gentle curls in the morning meant the world to me, his smile warmed my heart. His very presence made my everyday life a bit brighter. His existence was a wonderful thing. I loved him, and he loved me. We had sworn our lives together, and I-I _KNEW_ we were meant to be together. But then, well then that day arrived. He was so stubborn, he just had to go and get me flowers to cheer me up when I was sick. I’d fallen asleep after he left, and 4 hours later, when I awoke, he was still gone. I started shaking, at first. I hastily called him, when I received no answer as it went to voicemail, I knew something had gone terribly wrong. Something had happened. He always answered my calls, I hoped though, my Dan would never just, leave me like that.

I begged, prayed to whatever deity there was out there. I needed him to be back, I needed my smile. I needed him with me forever, as he’d promised to me. I remember, the pitter patter of the rain against my window, my tears seemingly falling in sync. I remember the last words he spoke to me when he left.

“Hey Phil?” He looked at me, a smile plastered on his face.

“Yes Dan?” I smiled back, letting out a soft cough.

“I love you, and I always will,” he kissed my cheek and left.

I will remember those words, even past my final moments. I remember when I got a call from the police. I remember them telling me how he’d gotten me a beautiful bouquet or roses, that were now petals, scattered across the road.

I remember after I hung up, crying and whispering, “I will always love you too, Dan.”

His family, had to know. I thought the police might have told them, but apparently that was my job.

I hadn’t believed he was gone.

I thought he had to be alive.

I remember calling his family, my eyes bright red, I hadn’t slept in 3 days. Telling them, my sobs breaking through. I remember the gasp his mother made, before sobs.

I remember telling them, “he was out buying me flowers,” and feeling like everything was my fault. I remember feeling broken, my world so dark and empty. My sunshine had left, my last reason to smile.

He left to buy me flowers, and he never came back. I remember blaming myself for hours, staring at photos of his smile. Laugh was music I could listen to for hours. His voice made the corners of my cheeks hurt from smiling.

I remember when I fell to the floor, shaking again, as it sunk it that he’d never come back. I remember the first night I slept after he left, the nightmare was so intense I woke up screaming for Dan, waiting, only to realize he wouldn’t be there.

The nightmare was everyone blaming me for his death, because in all honesty, it was my fault. I should have stopped him, I shouldn’t have let him walk out the door. He was too young to have died. I should have  begged for him to cuddle me.

I still miss him so much, it’s been 6 months, but I still blame myself.

6 months of him gone, and I still feel empty. I know he’d want me to live on. I know he’d want me to be happy more than anything else, but I don’t seem to know how to.

In short, I’m not okay.

I remember my first thought when I realized he was gone, “I want to be with him again,” so here I am.

I’m going to be with my sunshine. I’ll be able to see his loving eyes again, I can poke his dimple as he laughs at my words getting jumbled up.

I’ll see him again. That’s all I want more than life.

I want to tell him to his face, “I’ll always love you too.”

I remember, the first time I picked up a pen when he was gone, I wrote a letter to him.

Maybe you’ll find it.

I remember everything so clearly. I’m scared of cars now. I hate flowers, and I haven’t been on any social media since he left.

Both our fans are worried. They should know.

Please entitle a video about our deaths; “goodbye internet,” on both our channels reading this letter..

I can’t be without him anymore.

Love,

**Phil Lester.**


End file.
